Token Love

WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT

As I stare at the screen, the realization hits me that this could be my biggest chance to actually find love. Sure, I have had boyfriends over the course of my life. There was Robbie when I was in kindergarten, Sam when I was in the second grade, and Arthur in the fourth grade. I did not stay in school past that, so the boyfriends really stopped there. After that I just had boys who were friends with me. I think it was mainly because they wanted something that I was unwilling to give. Early on while I was living on the streets, I learned that many of my other girlfriends would give of their bodies to older men in order to get enough money or food and shelter to survive. Although it would have made my life a lot simpler, I just could not bring myself to go down that rabbit hole.

Sometimes I was hungry and cold. All I wanted was to feel safe once again. My body knew that it needed more than I was providing for it. I would get cramps from the mineral deficiencies, and I constantly stayed thirsty. Then the cramps from starting my periods added to the complexities of my life and I felt like I had too many things on my plate.

I have never really known what love is about outside of the love that I felt for my parents. I loved them dearly and I miss them so much. Dad joined the movement because he said he wanted to make sure that his family would have a chance to not only survive one day, but that they could reach their full potential.

He told me he wanted me to have a life that he never could have. My dad had a second-grade education, having lived on the streets for most of his teenage years. He would share stories about his life on the run. His dad had been an abuser and after he went to three homes where he was in the foster system, he knew it would not be the life for him. An older boy took him under his wings and taught him how to survive, but he also used him for gratification in his and other people's sexual pleasures. When he met my mom who was living on the streets at sixteen, they left for the streets of Atlanta, Georgia, and there they started off with a new life. A worker at the homeless shelter helped them get a place to stay and decent wage jobs, and it was not long before they thrived.

When mom and dad died, it was then that I knew I could no longer stay at the apartment. An eviction notice had already been posted on the door and, with no way to raise the funds needed, I hit the streets and provided for my needs.

As far as finding love, I wondered if that would ever be possible. The boys loved to look at my body. My mom did not believe in bras and thought that they were only for the "prim and proper" people in life. She taught me to be happy with my body and not to worry about underwear, except for the time when a woman has to take care of business.

By taking care of business, I am talking about the business of undressing to please a man, or the actions of the woman to stop the flow of menstrual blood that occurs about a month apart. My mom demonstrated to me before she died how to use clothing and a body to get a man's attention. Until now I have not really known what it is like to please a man. The boys all stare at me and my rosebuds that are getting bigger by the day. I am eighteen now and I feel like a true woman, although I know that there are still changes happening to my body and to my mind that will mold my future.

I do not have a computer to use on my own, so I am sitting in the local library using one of theirs. Once my mind is connected to the computer terminal, all I have to do is put the thoughts in my mind, and the computer displays the information on the screen. I can use the word processor to write letters and I can also fill in forms on the screen if I visit a website.

This time I am filling out a form on the screen. I have decided that it is time for my love life to catch up with my body. I have wants and needs that should be fulfilled in my life, and I am determined to make sure that they happen. So far, my sexual pleasures have come from either my fingers or using a short plug in my vagina so that I would not tear my hymen. Mom said it is a special thing to have it intact when you finally yield your body for the first time to someone you think is that special. I know it sounds weird to use a plug like that, but it still excites my clit, and the plug that most people would use as an anal toy still brings me to a nice orgasm. One day I want to feel a real penis inside of me, but it will be on my terms, and not for my survival.